Love of Pain

The appreciation of skinny, morbid, morose and lonely images is more than an appreciation of lines and technique in Goth Culture. There are unprovable claims of most Goths having some kind of disease or disorder that inflicts pain, yet it is probably because most Goths avoid doctors, unless necessary; ergo, the sample population for these studies are either criminals or clinically ill. However, there is a frequency to prefer and find depressing photos beautiful. This is also true in fine art.

Why do I think Goths are attracted to these images? After experiencing so many highs in life there is an automatic need to experience lows or maintain the higher points there is a deficit or opposing reaction to handle really enjoying life.

Relating to this principal, it does not take a long time to learn new skills and become efficient. It is easy to go from job to job and most people say, "I have promise." Despite what people might think about how I should behave, I am able to focus on tasks and gain underlying meaning behind most tasks. It might take awhile to really learn a job, yet most likely quit and go on to do something else before knowing every possible facet.

I have tried to focus on the details to maintain concentration, yet it seems I move on. It was important to figure out why I quits jobs; otherwise, my future is sealed. It isn't an optimistic vision of my own future. After years, it appears I subconsciously train my replacement. While working and doing things it is common to find someone to handle my basic functions after leaving, because the subconscious ideal is, "I will be leaving." It isn't until actually finding a method to actually stay with a job that it becomes important to not share every asset and technique to replace myself.

Usually I would have tons of information of how to work as a blogger/writer/artist on the internet, yet I am finally coming back into balance and do not want someone else to replace me; ergo, I am an excellent Trainer, yet only offer training in exchange for something that helps me stay in business. The previous imbalance is becoming balanced.

I don't need to explain the details of the personal truths behind this odd behavior, yet most Goths experience personal tragedy. The flip side to this problem is constantly dealing with grief. At least I was self aware enough to know it is frequently me causing this problem. Deciding to take responsibility for myself and not blame friends or family for this dysfunction assists in avoiding potentially hostile action after seeming to play head games with people. Realistically, when someone is out-of-control the best answer is to show sympathy. I show a lot of sympathy to re-balance these issues.

Regardless, there is a lot of grief. Grief for past friends, acknowledging even if seeing them again so many years have passed they are another new person. Feeling a lack of history, I wonder if making commitments is a good idea. They might feel good about it, but they cannot control me. No one can control me. No one knows me as well as I do. No one else was their through the greater expanse of my overall life.

It is awkward. Magical and depressing images encompass an outward image that seems familiar and comforting. I don't resent my life. It is great being able to do a lot of things and life is great. There were many good experiences and somewhere along the line, emotional pain becomes enjoyable.

Do I seek out pain? Not really. I am not really trying to find pain or suffer. After so many times laying around in a comfortable warm bed, realizing what bothers me or hurt my self esteem is like removing a thorn. Thorns no longer look scary. The curving shape of thorns into a point are appealing.

Do I feel inhuman? Not really. I feel alive and found a method to refocus my blights into something beneficial to society.

Do I feel like a super hero? Not really. Everything is in balance. One aspect of life is resolved by another. There are reasons to feel as though it is an unproductive lifestyle as much as a productive lifestyle. Whether trying to resolve self destructive behavior before dying or developing self destructive behavior to do more and be more glorious are heavily intertwined. There is no obvious method to separate where one begins and the other ends.

There is a reflective quality to pain. Images of advance physiology and torture do evoke a desire to inflict or feel torture, yet it oddly portrays a feeling of being understood. Lyrics of treachery and anger also inspire a feeling of not being, "so different." I dislike anyone, including villains, being portrayed negatively in the media. Usually explanation of how the character became evil is a personal stab at me. I am not a villain. I am an optimistic person who enjoys helping people. I have always thought about the other person and want respect.

With extreme highs, there are extreme lows. Everyone relates and understands, to some degree. Goths relate more heavily. The other day I was thinking about problems of my teen years and accessing if it was awful. Always wanting to prove something and make tons of friends, quite frankly, I am creepy. Without a greater purpose to life, I would just be creepy and average.

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